Here’s an original thought: I wish I didn’t have anxiety. At least not to this Degree. I know some anxiety is necessary for survival (fear of fire for example), but the level I am dealing with seems slightly excessive.

It’s not just the massive anxiety, but also my reaction to it. Here’s the breakdown of how my brain works:

  1. Something happens (or doesn’t because anxiety can hit me for no reason too, but usually something happens).
  2. I have a major freak out over the something. This usually involves me catastrophizing and imagining the worst possible case scenario. I email providers, cry hysterically alone, get irritable and then…
  3. I go on lockdown. This is a dramatic opposite response to the complete freak out I would have just had. So then I’m invalidating myself all over the place and not allowing myself to have any feelings at all about the thing that is freaking me out.
  4. I kind of spontaneously figure it out. Sometimes that is in a few days, sometimes that is in a few weeks. If it takes weeks, this process can recycle in a less dramatic form.

So yeah. I need to figure this out. This is not a good way to handle things. It’s like I have muppet arms and am all “AHHHHHHHH” for the first period and then I’m embarrassed and upset about how I’ve responded during that time. It just adds to the pile.

More fodder for therapy.

Dandelion Image from PxHere

4 thoughts on “Wish

  1. Sometimes I act the same way. For a troubled person, you do move a lot out of the house, you let people get in contact with you through WordPress, you are baking (which I can only assume) delicious food, and the most important thing, you are improving everyday. See, you are challenging your fears and you keep moving forward. Don’t you ever forget how strong your character is.

    Liked by 3 people

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