Burden

I can’t help but feel like a burden to my parents sometimes. I either cost them money or force them to live on eggshells around me when my episodes are bad. I often am doing my level best to stomp on the irritability that arises or deal with the crying spells, but it can be very difficult for them and me.

I hate when I can tell that my mom is on Tenterhooks trying to figure out how best to say something to me because she doesn’t want to make things worse. A lot of the time, just me knowing she is trying makes it worse. It’s kind of an impossible place for her to be in.

I am not sure I’ve given enough credit here to all of my parents who help me when I need it. This isn’t even because they may pop on here now and then (I have pretty much banned them from reading this). My mom and stepdad carry the brunt of things because I live with them and they have to deal with the consequences of my having Bipolar Disorder daily, but my dad and stepmom help too. My dad lives several states away and he is patient and understanding when my health doesn’t allow me to visit or when I need extra help with things.

Of course, needing this help and being so mercurial makes me feel incredibly guilty. My parents are all seniors and theoretically should not have to be still raising an almost 40 year old daughter.

I should be on my own, paying my own bills and not inflicting this misery on anyone else.

The truth is though, I can’t financially swing living on my own and I think I would be horribly lonely and scared.

So it is what it is. Just some days are better/worse than others.

Image from public domain pictures

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8 thoughts on “Burden

  1. I don’t think you are alone in feeling this way. I know I feel this way, but instead of my parents it is my husband. I totally feel like an expensive burden. I often feel like his life would be so much better without me and I have no understanding why he bothers to stay other than he took his marriage vows very seriously. It is the disease talking. It is trying to break you down and to make you give up. Don’t give in. Just give appreciation for those who stay, and let them know every now and then how much you appreciate them.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am sorry that you feel shame around being ill. I invite you to consider that having an illness is not a referendum on who you are as a human being. Yes, of course it impacts you enormously, but it isn’t who you are. As I read your posts, I am struck by how hard you are working to function in the world. And thats one of the big challenges of major illness, mental or otherwise: One can see and imagine what “ought” to be done, but having the spoons (your word) to do it, is a different matter. Bit by bit, things can change. I am very glad that you have the love and support that you do. best healing wishes to you!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. This is too sweet. The shame I feel is more guilt/shame about how much I cost those who love me in not only financial ways but emotional ways as well. I do also feel like I should be fulfilling some higher purpose other than simple existence. I am still struggling to find that place. Your words touched my heart. Thank you. ❤️

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