I can’t help but feel like a burden to my parents sometimes. I either cost them money or force them to live on eggshells around me when my episodes are bad. I often am doing my level best to stomp on the irritability that arises or deal with the crying spells, but it can be very difficult for them and me.
I hate when I can tell that my mom is on Tenterhooks trying to figure out how best to say something to me because she doesn’t want to make things worse. A lot of the time, just me knowing she is trying makes it worse. It’s kind of an impossible place for her to be in.
I am not sure I’ve given enough credit here to all of my parents who help me when I need it. This isn’t even because they may pop on here now and then (I have pretty much banned them from reading this). My mom and stepdad carry the brunt of things because I live with them and they have to deal with the consequences of my having Bipolar Disorder daily, but my dad and stepmom help too. My dad lives several states away and he is patient and understanding when my health doesn’t allow me to visit or when I need extra help with things.
Of course, needing this help and being so mercurial makes me feel incredibly guilty. My parents are all seniors and theoretically should not have to be still raising an almost 40 year old daughter.
I should be on my own, paying my own bills and not inflicting this misery on anyone else.
The truth is though, I can’t financially swing living on my own and I think I would be horribly lonely and scared.
So it is what it is. Just some days are better/worse than others.
Image from public domain pictures