Wasteland

Bipolar Depression makes me feel like I’m in toxic Sludge. It’s hard to get thoughts out clearly, and it’s even harder to keep moving throughout my day. It’s mentally and physically exhausting.

Any child of the 80’s (or earlier) will get this reference:

For anyone who doesn’t, they are stuck in the swamp of sadness and Atreyu (the boy) is trying to save Artax (his beloved horse) from giving into the sadness and sinking into the swamp. Spoiler alert: it doesn’t go well.

I often feel like Artax in the swamp sinking into my own sadness. I get “stuck” in my feelings and can’t seem to pull myself out. It doesn’t seem to help if others try to yank me out either. I usually have to find my own way.

Honestly, the depression I’m dealing with today is nowhere as dire as the swamp of sadness, and yet I always worry that it will go that far. It’s a terrible place to be. It would be ridiculous to say that I enjoy the level of depression I’m experiencing now, no one loves depression, but it could be worse. Much worse.

Right now I’m still able to kind of be productive. I’ve accomplished a few things in spite of it even though a lot of things are falling by the wayside. I’m essentially treading water.

The wasteland of depression is hard to navigate. Sometimes when I am a little more functional, like right now, I can find stones and bridges to make my way. Other times I am just drowning.

Depression is a bitch, Bipolar or not, and navigating it is exhausting.

Biohazard Image from wikimedia

Artax image from TVOvermind

2 thoughts on “Wasteland

  1. Kimberly, you’ve described depression, Bipolar or not, so very well. I’m a therapist who works with several people who experience Bipolar Depression. It’s awful. Sometimes it responds to some of the new meds out there, but not always. Kudos to you for continuing to move forward in spite of the sludge.

    Liked by 1 person

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