I’ve gotten four hours of sleep. Honestly. It may be all I get.

I’m either dreaming (while simultaneously dreaming about other things-still possible) about noises in the dark, or there have been odd bangs in my house this evening that don’t belong there.

We have an alarm system so I’m not really sure what I’m all that afraid of. I’m sure to hear the siren from that before any bad guys. Our neighbors will hear that siren.

I am just unsettled. I hate the dark and it’s dark so much now.

The remeron does give me weird dreams that I totally hate, but this would be time #2 of being woken up in a panic about something. That sucks. I cannot do this a bunch more times. I’d rather wake up 5 times on my own hating the clock…

Oh well, maybe I can talk myself back into sleep at some point.

Image from Pixabay


12 thoughts on “Bump

      1. It’s a really awful kind of inner restlessness where you can’t stop moving. The movements aren’t involuntary, but you don’t want to stop moving. It’s very awful.


  1. I also like never sleep but want to share these with you. I posted this as a comment to another blog but perhaps these may help for you and I am new to blogging or I’d try to share or something but here it is….

    I am so sorry you are going through this. This may not work, but you may want to check a few apps out I have tried on mood… feel free to ignore but hey I thought I’d mention them…
    Available on GooglePlay and App Store
-track things like mood, activity, recording things you are grateful for, sleep so you can just in a way feel somewhat accountable to do those things and see if any are having a correlation on your mood. You can also add your own ones like whatever you want. It has some good articles – one was on black and white thinking that I saw a few days before literally doing exactly what that article talked about…
-not pushy!!! if you ever feel guilty about not keeping up with something, this app is pretty good at being all happy and just saying welcome back – not sending notifications saying hey its been x days why haven’t you filled in your daily mood and activities.
-makes it easy to jump back into for me at least. Maybe it’s the very happy smiley emoji that helps.

    Also on GooglePlay and App Store
-Again its like a tracking daily helpful activities and mood, but it has a hope board which I like since it reminds me what I want to work towards. Also, has a forum which I again like because others may feel similar but some give good advice on what helped them, so its not all negative, but definitely not condescending.
-Then the goals part. I like them because you select them from suggested lists within various categories. You then say how hard you think it will be to do and when you complete it say how hard it actually was – mine never are as hard as I predicted. Some are like take a nap or go outside and others are maybe a bit harder – it depends on the person. Some are out there like improve or I have call a radio station as my hardest that maybe I’ll do just because it would be so out there, but would need to work up to it. I am never doing improve!
-Also has this section on thoughts that takes you through exercises to try to help you reframe them if say something triggered it. So you may say what the feeling is, the “bad” things like exaggeration, all-or-nothing, catastrophic, etc, then you have to change those to reframe them into something more positive or just maybe something like I may have overthought this (it walks you through). what you wrote into something better by changing each negative word you had into something more realistic. 
-And has a guided path section. This is a good place to start with because it tells you about each of the categories I just mentioned (the first week session one) and it’s seriously like listening to a therapist. And each ends with so go try this now in the app like try using the hope board. This session is free – later ones aren’t. Everything I mentioned though is free and I like it a lot.

    On Google Play and App Store 
-So you start by inputting whether you are feeling a negative feeling (like I’m anxious or depressed), rank how distressing it is, pick a specific option describing how exactly (e.g., is it stopping you from doing things or can you just not put your finger on it, among other examples). Then it gives you a suggested list of things to do (missions) and says why they help. Like count your breaths or run in place for 60 seconds or clean or go outside. Nothing super long except I guess walking is or cleaning. It’s your choice which one you pick and they change each time. You then say if you feel less distressed and how helpful it was to track what types of things help (mindfulness, physical activity, etc). They weirdly help pretty well or some do for me. I was skeptical like yeah ok running in place for 60 seconds sure.. you’d be surprised. Admittedly I stick with shorter ones so far but am trying to stick with it more.

    Again on both GooglePlay and App Store 
-It has some free guided tracks with some fun activities. However, not all content is free and it pushes heavily that you should subscribe. If you ignore that though (and ignore the pro tasks in the guided sessions) I think it does have good things – I sent a friend an email from it to just say why they are a good friend and it walked me through filling it in. Helps. Then I texted him and told him hey I’m happifying myself – like it! 
-for the free version there are some tracks that have tasks that are not all free but I think still helpful. Also some cool game type things like negative knockout – knocking out things with bad emotions on them like angry birds in a way. Or uplift – you have to hit balloons with positive words and not the ones with negative ones. They can be good distractions to just shift your focus and breathe a little. Not all games but just something unique about this app in addition to guided tracks. 
-Also posts good articles. 
    hope something helps

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Pacifica reminds me of you – it gets you to set goals. I am admittedly bad at sticking to it. When I do, it’s fun crossing them off. No matter how small they are. Which you seem good at recognizing based on your writing – good for you!!

        Liked by 1 person

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