I’ve had better days, but I did score a victory today so far. I’ve been very uncomfortable and kind of upset about where my mood is and and what to do about it.

I have a pretty solid tendency to pathologize my mood states and say, “oh no! This is going to be the start of an episode!” I don’t know how natural that is given that I live with Bipolar Disorder and I kind of live in fear of the next dropping shoe.

I realized this morning that a lot of my anxiety and fear is coming from the fact that I am very concerned about my psychiatric prescriber situation. I don’t have any confidence in the current one, and so it’s really terrible for me to have any symptoms and have to worry about what is going on with me because I feel like I don’t have a prescriber to help me out of it.

That is at the core of what is bothering me. It’s been bothering me for a couple of weeks.

I don’t trust the new med because of it, I don’t trust my situation with the old med, I have health issues I would like to be able to discuss with my old psychiatrist that I am just not able to, and I am just kind of at a loss.

So… I need to come to a place of acceptance and deal with what is:

My psychiatrist is retired.

I might just have to deal with subpar prescriber care.

I’m always going to have trouble with meds.

One or two iffy days does not make a mood episode.

So yeah. Just some things. I’m struggling. I wish better movies were out so I could hide in a movie theatre for the day. I just need out of my house I think because all I really want to do is curl up in my bed.

I suck at change, but I’m learning to just sit with these uncomfortable feelings and roll with them. Man this is hard.

Image from Pixabay


2 thoughts on “Shrug

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