Fine

If you caught me today and asked me how I was doing, I’d probably respond “fine” without thinking.

Everything is not fine. 

I will convince you otherwise though because I don’t want anyone to see how bad I feel. 

“The only thing worse than being hurt, is everyone knowing that you’re hurt.”
-Carrie Fisher Postcards From the Edge
As a matter of fact, things seem much more like this when I actually stop to think about them:

…which is probably why I’ve been avoiding thought all day. Literally. 

I woke up and visited a friend. Then I helped my cousin. Then I went to the store. I have to put dinner together soon so my parents can just bake it (lasagna), and I am going to see another old friend tonight. 

My brain is so overwhelmed with everything that is going on in my life that I’m not handling it well. My grandfather is getting up there. My mom is always sick. This week is the birthday of one of my very closest of friends who I lost three years ago next week horrifically to cancer. I am in some kind of mood. My psychiatrist situation is not good. My med situation is kind of not either. 

I have totally checked out. If you saw me on the street you would think I was happy and well-adjusted. I have cute clothes and makeup on. Even earrings. I got my hair done yesterday. I appear fine. I even feel fine sometimes. 

And then I stop.

The chaos fills in and I am decidedly not fine. 

I don’t know how to stop the “I’m fine, but I’m really dying inside” thing. It goes back to vulnerability and trust. I tried to talk to my friend this morning about it, but she didn’t seem to get it. She had her own stuff going on. 

So whatever. It’s hard to translate this. I feel blocked. Stuck. Frozen. 

Last night I was so overwhelmed and just wanted to rest that when people kept bugging me via my phone or in person, I could feel the rage building. It was like the only emotion getting through at the time. I managed to keep it to myself, but it sucked. 

I don’t know that I even want to sit with all of the emotions that I have right now. Perhaps just avoiding them is a safety valve. 

I don’t know. 

Ugh. 


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