Vulnerability

I was inspired this morning by (surprise!) another Carrie Fisher quote. 

“The only thing worse than being hurt, is everyone knowing that you are hurt.”

-from Postcards from the Edge

This is so incredibly me. 

I have a friend who has a heart tattoo on her arm (not exactly sailor style), because she says she wears her heart on her sleeve. That is definitely true for her. I used to think that about myself. I’m realizing that I really don’t. 

I have maybe two or three people in my life, professionals included, with whom I am willing to share pain. That is honestly why this blog has been so liberating. I have all of these thoughts, but it’s a lot easier to write them and have the separation between me and the blog, than for me just to say them. There are honestly times I just hand blog posts to providers because I express myself better in written form than I do verbally. 

I think it is the ultimate act of Bravery to expose yourself to someone else in that way. I struggle with it even at group. 

I think part of this, for me, is not wanting to be a spectacle. I don’t want a lot of “oh you poor thing” or “gosh that sounds so difficult.” I don’t know what to do with that and it’s uncomfortable. I don’t know how to receive support and comfort. 

Being vulnerable is ether very awkward or very dangerous in my life experience, so I just try to avoid it. This is definitely something I should work on, but probably not something I’m ready to tackle just yet.