I’m concerned that my inner feelings of restlessness and desire to find anything with a tangible outcome as opposed to all of the figurative ones I have achieved is all due to me trying to stop a depressive slide.
I am spending time noticing how I feel, just being mindful of it, and I think that it is maybe a desperate push to keep myself from heading down into a slump. I think I’ve done this before multiple times and ended up manic instead on a few occasions.
Goal setting, like long range and large, seems to be a way that I can focus my brain and try to pull it out of whatever slide it’s going into. At least that is what I have fooled myself into thinking in the past. I’m not sure it’s worked all that well. I think maybe I’ve deferred it, or somehow built up enough adrenaline that I somehow carry myself through to the execution of the plan, but then I fizzle out and collapse.
This is perhaps why school seems so incredibly impossible now. It was always difficult but it became impossible. I never understood why.
I kept using it as a way to defer mood states. How fantastic. Then I gave myself a complex about it after so many false starts in graduate programs. Now I’m just concerned about a simple 100 level undergraduate class. Really. One that is not close to an academic challenge, but is a monumental psychological one. Now I’m questioning the sanity of that idea because I don’t want to use school as a psychological crutch, but I do want to see if I can do it because I want to go back eventually.
At least that wouldn’t be until January. I have some time. I really just want to make sure I’m not right about this slide. I can feel that frenetic energy/panic inside that is expressing itself as “restless” trying to evade the monster of depression. I don’t know if I just sit with it or keep running or what I do, but I’m going to have to figure out something here pretty quickly. It will catch me soon if I don’t.
Image from Pixabay