Running

I have a Penchant for avoiding things that freak me out and cause anxiety. If I can find a way out of it, if it seems optional, I will. 

I’m struggling really hard right now with not doing that in this recovery process. It’s a way that I end up sabotaging myself. It’s not really deliberate, it feels more like self preservation at the time, but it ends up being a pattern of avoidance and I end up feeling worse about myself. 

A good example is my volunteer gig at the food pantry. I was SO excited about that. I still love the idea of doing it. There’s nothing intrinsically wrong with the things I do there. Nothing bad happens. People are friendly for the most part, and it is well organized. The shifts are short. It’s really perfect. 

At the same time, it feels like too much. It takes a lot out of me. I am not a nap taker and I usually require a long nap afterwards. I really don’t want to go this week, but I said I would be there. It feels important that I go too. 

So then there’s pressure. From me. I need to go. I just have so many other things going on, it’s the most vulnerable since the rest aren’t changeable. 

I wish I could effectively communicate this weird feeling of pressure and responsibility and need to run to my case manager and my new therapist because I think it would help. Unfortunately, I communicate so much better in written form than I do orally and I cannot assign them the homework of reading my blog. I mean, it’s out here for whomever to read, but I don’t expect my providers to read it, nor do I anticipate that they do. I tell them what they need to know. Sometimes I just am frustrated by my inability to verbally express myself as well as I can here. 

Anyway, I will not be running from my volunteer gig tomorrow despite my deep desire to do so. If I hadn’t had alerted my case manager that I wanted to, I may have. She will hold me accountable now though so that helps. Kind of. In past times I would still have bailed and then just gone radio silent on my case manager for a while. I’m trying this growth thing. It kind of sucks. 

Image from Pixabay