My case manager asked me today if I was doing better purely because I was, if I was hiding things from myself at all, or if I was maybe hiding things from both her and I because I don’t want to scare her.
That was a really good question. I have given that some thought in the past couple of weeks, maybe not precisely directed that way, but close. I told her I didn’t think I was hiding things. I don’t. I am pretty sure I’m not.
It just teases out that, “but what if?” thing though. That question didn’t settle right for some reason so now it has me questioning whether there is truth there.
It’s definitely true that I am not Enamored with the idea of seeming like a giant mess to my case manager, but it’s also true that if the world ended, she’d proabably be the first person I told while I tried to handle it.
I am too tired today. I’ve done too much in the past few days and I’ve worn myself down. It makes me question this though. Maybe she’s right. Maybe things aren’t quite as great as I’ve been selling them.
I’ve said that though. It’s not fantastic. I’m not here to say everything is perfect in my life. I just see hope again. That wave has been amazing. I hadn’t seen hope in so long it was like feeling the first warmth of the sun on my face after a long dark winter.
I just… I want a life so bad I can taste it and I cannot be patient. I know it takes time. I’m trying to force it some. I know. I’m going to make myself melt if I push too hard.
I think I need to slow the train down. Take it easy on myself and let this recovery happen in a more natural way. I’m not giving myself the appropriate time to recover and even my body knows it. Time to slow to take stock and breathe.
I don’t think I am lying about how things are going and I don’t think I am misrepresenting anything, but I do think that I might be pushing hard to try to make gains I am not ready to make yet. If I keep pushing, then it will be fake. That’s what I have to watch out for.
I’m excited about the progress I’ve made and I’m sticking to that, but I’m also going to make sure I stay measured and balanced. I may have gotten off balance this week with something going on every single day and that is not good for me yet.
Image from Pixabay