Forward

You know those people that Ooze confidence? Yep, well unless I am pretty manic, I am not one of them. In fact, for the last several years, I have been afraid of my own shadow.

I have been afraid to take any risks or try anything new at all. I was literally so scared that the above Carrie quote didn’t really mean anything to me at all. Now it makes total sense. It’s a kinder way of saying, “fake it ’till you make it” but, also in a way that has more meaning and in a way that explains why. Maybe that is just because Carrie said it. I don’t know. I worship the woman.

Anyway, the point is that I am learning that I don’t need to be brave ahead of time to go try out new things. It’s okay for me to be afraid and still go try them. It’s okay to risk failure. It’s okay to fall on my face. It’s the only way I move out of this quagmire I find myself in.

It’s scary and challenging and exciting and I cannot wait to see what life has to offer. I have been among the living dead for so long. I just want to be alive. That’s all. Nothing less. Maybe a lot more.

I have dreams now that I am starting to dare to have again. That is terrifying. I haven’t allowed myself that luxury in years. Not real ones. Not ones that meant anything to me. I have actual dreams that I care about now. They are kind of bulbous and ill-formed because I am out of practice when it comes to dreams, but I can feel them out there. It’s scary. I’m going to chase them down though and figure out what they are and how I have to get to them. 

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