I just feel like suddenly, or maybe over time here and I’m just now noticing, I am “back into myself.”
I checked out a while ago- if I’m honest a few years ago- and I haven’t really even tried to reconnect with myself. I don’t know why I didn’t or what I thought would happen…
Or maybe I do. I think if I thought I cared, then I could fail, and a failure is a never an option, so it was safer to not even be present in my life. How ridiculous is that?
I can just feel myself taking possession of my life, my body and my spirit and deciding that it is time to end the time if the hollow meat-shell that has been walking around and turn her into a full person again.
I’m really excited about this.
I don’t feel darkness lapping at my heels like I did before either. This is not occluded by passing clouds of doubt or fear. It is pure and it is real.
I wanted my confidence back. It’s here. It’s not the “I CAN DO ANYTHING” confidence of mania, and I still feel some apprehension at going out into the world after hiding for so long, but I do feel like I can take on something. Its a place to start.
I know that I may Lurch and go in fits and spurts while starting out here. Thats going to be okay too. As long as I am starting.
I feel like I can start living instead of existing. Watch out.