Fog

Bipolar Depression is hell, but the path to coming out of it can sometimes be a strange transition for me.  Often, I feel as though I was just in some kind of Trance cast upon me by an evil witch and am just only now beginning to see things clearly again. The fog begins to lift, my thoughts begin to come at a more normal pace, and life around me begins to have color.

I start to stir out of my hibernation.  Laundry gets done.  The sheets get changed.  I organize the papers and messes I’ve created over the time that I’ve been in a daze.  Life starts happening again.

I never can quite pinpoint when it stopped.  I don’t know when exactly it stopped this last time.  Just that I slowly descended into the rabbit hole of despair and lost the light.  Everything has been grey for several months and I am not sure I noticed it at first.

I am noticing the arrival of color.  It’s as stark as Dorothy’s arrival in Oz.  I once saw a review on amazon of The Wizard of Oz DVD (that I hope was a joke), where someone said that they were disappointed because they expected it to be in color but they watched the first ten minutes and it was only black and white.  I am glad I made it past the tornado and to the place in the film where I can see the colors everywhere.  They aren’t quite as vivid as technicolor, I’m not manic, but they are lovely and I’m very glad to see them.

Coming out of the fog of depression is an oft used metaphor but it doesn’t make it any less appropriate.  My brain feels clearer, my body feels lighter, the air feels cleaner, and my soul feels brighter.  The chains that tie me down during depression are so heavy that I feel like I might be simply crushed into powder under the weight of them.  It’s nice to not feel so much of the burden of that at the moment.

It helps that I slept in a bit longer than my usual 7:30 a.m. this morning by an hour, so perhaps the Remeron is having a small impact somewhere.  Still reserving judgement on that, but I remain somewhat hopeful.

None of this is to say that I am in the clear air or that I am completely out of the weather.  I can see the sun ahead though, and it’s lovely.

14 thoughts on “Fog

  1. Do you think the ?was it remeron? is helping? I’m so happy you’re moving out of that big black hole. Slowly but surely you’ll feel better and better ❤ I can so sympathize with you. I've never felt such a black hole as I did with this last depression. We're climbing out together. 🙂

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    1. I think getting sleep is changing my whole outlook, yes. I don’t think the antidepressant effect of the Remeron has had any chance to work yet (that usually takes a month), but I do think getting sleep has made a HUGE difference. I was living with probably 3.5 hours a night for nearly 4 months. It was making me crazy. The antipsychotic my psychiatrist added earlier (vraylar) started the process, but the Remeron seems to be the magic addition. Again, I’m not sure the dosing is quite there yet but I’m also a little hesitant to play too much with it because of previous experience with antidepressants. I’m just going to sit it out for another few days and see how it goes.

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      1. That’s true…if it’s like the other antidepresants than you’re right. It’s so not fair how long they take to kick in. I was on vraylar this past winter but I didn’t do well on it. I was wicked agitated and very restless.

        Did you go manic with your an antidepressant you mentioned before? I’m having good luck with the increase in my prozac which was very low for years. We’ve slowly raised it with no mania. Got the lamictal on board with it so they must balance things out.

        So glad things are looking up, Kim! ❤

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      2. I have pretty much ended up mixed or manic (FLEW on Prozac) on every antidepressant I’ve tried so I’m pretty gun shy. Remeron was designed to kind of be the anti-Prozac when it came out in the sense that people weren’t sleeping well who were taking Prozac so they made Remeron for people to take at night. It has some antidepressant properties but it helps with anxiety as well and helps with sleep. It’s technically still an SSRI. It was meant to be Prozac in the morning and Remeron at night when it came out. Obviously things change but that was the maker’s intent.

        I’ve had agitation and restlessness on other antipsychotics so I know what you are talking about. I’ve had a lot of bad luck with meds. I think the list is now up to 27 that I cannot take. So I’m extremely cautious. A lot of those reactions were ER trips at minimum, so you can imagine that I’m a little anxious any time a new med is added.

        I’m glad the Prozac is working for you though! That is fantastic!

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    1. I’m sorry to hear that. It’s exhausting when you are doing that. I know when I’m in that phase, it’s like I’m really just shut down and everything I actually feel is in a box off to the side waiting to open and swallow me up. I don’t know if that is you, but it’s a terrible place to be. Hugs.

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      1. Yessss I never came across anyone that has felt exactly how I feel. Like I don’t want to come out of my room and it’s like the outside world or anything outside of my house scares me. I don’t want to be around people. I rather just be alone. Which I have kept these thoughts to myself and tried to act like nothing is bothering me.

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      2. That’s a scary place to be. When everything is overstimulating and terrifying because it might poke the box open? Yeah. Been there. Be kind to yourself. Try to find someone who can sit in the mud with you and let you feel safe to feel that stuff. It’s gonna come out of that box eventually. 😦

        It’s not weak to ask for help either. If you are in the US, I can point you in the direction of how to find it if you aren’t sure or aren’t insured.

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      3. I just feel like I’m always crying and at times I think it’s ok to be vulnerable. But I feel like I want to talk about what’s hurting. I think I’m just scared to actually face what’s wrong or accept it. I don’t know 😔 but yes I live in Chicago. I would love your help.

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      4. Okay. Since you live in a city full of potential resources, give me a bit of time. It just means there are more resources for you. I promise to be back with you here in just a little bit. You can DM me on twitter @frenthew if you would rather.

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