Someday I am going to be free of all of this. Not just in the next life, but in this one.
I sometimes struggle with faith in all corners of that, but I have to believe it in order to keep going.
Someday my sails will Unfurl and I will find the freedom of the open water and fly across its surface while the wind whips in the canvass. Can you hear it? I can.
I’m the only one holding me back. Sure the Bipolar Disorder and the myriad of other labels I’ve accrued over time are disabling. For sure they are going to slow me down and make this process harder for me than for someone else. It doesn’t mean that it is impossible though. It doesn’t mean that I have to absorb the labels and surrender.
I still don’t know if DBT is how I get to this place of freedom. It feels so incredibly wrong. In a way I can’t describe. I’m uneasy with it not from fear of difficultly but from the system that it is. It feels like thought reform and like a cult and my brain is hardwired to oppose those kinds of things. The entire system makes me physically unwell and I just feel this revulsion to putting my brain in their box. I just don’t know if that system is the answer for me. People who care about me want it to be, but I just don’t know that it is. More thought and prayer on that is required.
In the meantime, I need to conquer my anxiety and fear in a safe and supportive environment. Whatever that looks like, I will find it. I’m on a mission now. The goal tastes like freedom.