Change

I stole this image off someone’s fb status. Clearly naughty of me. I know. I usually try to use the “public use” images off of google images but I’m pretty sure this watermarked from scholastic so credit goes to them. 

When I saw this, it struck a chord in me. I have written a lot about my past lately but I want to make it clear that I have no desire to go back there. There is nothing for me there. 

I want to move forward. I am pretty convinced that the way forward is paved with molten hot lava and intense burning pain, but it is the way forward. 

I will probably have to duel the Jabberwocky 874 times before I am done, and I don’t know that I will ever be “done.” 

I’ve used the word “recovery” and it seems to be the new hot button word in mental health, but I’m not sure you ever “recover” in the way that word is traditionally used in mental health. 

I just think it means that I can improve. I can be more functional. I can be less dependent on the mental health system and my family and more reliant on myself. That is what I hope it means. 

I don’t want to drop down the rabbit hole any further. I know that. I am digging in the sides and stopping the free fall. Maybe I’ve just hit bottom. Goodness knows I’ve seen enough bottles that say, “drink me” and had the weird side effects to boot to know I must be in Wonderland. I’d really just like to find the Looking Glass and get the hell out of here, or possibly just make it to the other side of the chess board so I can be Queen and get a better handle of the rules. 

I might never get through to the other side and out of Wonderland into “normal.” I’m actually okay with that. I can live with quirky. I don’t mind. I just don’t want to live with dysfunction and feeling shattered and lost. Right now I’m feeling very much like Alice at the very beginning of her journey, crying giant tears she is about to nearly drown in. 

I just don’t want to drown. 

I’ll get there. I’m not going backwards. It’s not an option. As the meme says, there’s no use in that because I’m not that girl anymore anyway. 

2 thoughts on “Change

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