Cracks

So the cracks in the “nothing to see here, everything is fine” side show are starting to make themselves known.

I was legitimately concerned that seeing one of my providers today was going to start cracking things. I feel emotionally safe in that environment and so then the box I keep all of my emotions in starts to crack.

It’s little cracks at first and then they get bigger. I literally just slept half of the day away because I couldn’t handle the rush of emotions coming past me. I can’t bear to examine them right now. Most of what I see is fear and the parts I do get a hold of lead me to some very dark questions with answers I don’t have.

I think some of this is a mood episode. It just feels far too simple to chalk all of this up to me being afraid of being vulnerable and moving forward. Not that it isn’t a huge part of what is going on. It just doesn’t feel like that is the whole picture. Like when I think about that, the light bulb doesn’t come on and I don’t have the, “oh that’s totally it” thing where I know that’s what is bothering me. It’s a first string player, maybe even quarterback. I’m not here to downplay the significance, I just think there might be other players on the team.

That said, my fear about this whole entire thing about making progress is Glaring at me like all of the ghosts from my past looking through the same set of eyes.  What if I can’t do this therapy or recovery and I just sabotage it somehow in order to not fail?  What if it gets so hard emotionally that I look for ways to escape?  That wouldn’t be new for me. Those have historically just been really reckless and stupid things like getting nearly black-out drunk, etc., and happened over a decade ago, but they were real and I did them. The worst of my behavior happened in manic episodes, to be sure, but I have done some fairly sketchy things just looking for anything to distract me from how I was feeling and to provide an escape as well.  That doesn’t include substances.  Some of the same behaviors that I can resort to when manic can manifest when I get into this almost manic like desperation to escape.

What happens if I can’t escape?  Where does that go?  If I am desperately miserable and there is seemingly no escape from that place, where do I go then?  I can’t even deal with the answer to this question.

I know the purpose of therapy is to keep me from the desperate places. I think that’s great.  I’m hoping there are longer term strategies in DBT because the short term ones won’t cut it.  I can be in these states for days or weeks, not hours.

In this moment, I’d love nothing more than to get shit faced.  What saves me from that is a certain amount of self-control and a desire to try to make this process work, a literal lack of resources in terms of funds to go to the bar, lack of my previous proximity to the bar (I used to live within a block or two of a couple small town bars), and some coping skills I have learned that I can use instead, grudgingly.  The lure of self-destruction, or even mild self destruction is strong.  I am so afraid.

I will make it through tonight, and the next one, and the one after that.  This journey to some place of improvement or “recovery” (literally still don’t know what that means but it sounds pretty), is going to be long and terrifying.  I just hope I don’t feel like this every day.

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