Faith

Faith is a funny thing for me. I’ve talked about it in passing before. I’m a Christian, but I don’t feel like a very good one. 

I mean that in the sense that I know intellectually that I am supposed to trust God and turn over my problems to Him. I totally suck at that due to my control and trust issues I’ve discussed other places. 

That feeling has created a sense of failure in me as a believer and put distance between me and God for a while now. Tonight I had reason to remember that no matter how far away I go, God always wants to remind me that He can use me for good and that He is with me. 

There were a TON of new people at my support group tonight and I was just feeling really vulnerable so I wasn’t feeling up to going to the small group meetings. Don’t ask me why that is because usually I’m all about new people (I’m literally the annoying woman in the checkout lane talking to you about how trashy the Kardashians are this week on whatever tabloid cover). I don’t normally freeze in social situations. I just think this past week was almost unspeakably difficult. It wasn’t going to be something I could share in a group, especially not of new people. 

A nice woman hung back and talked to me as a peer and we had a great conversation. We were both able to share things about our weeks and upcoming things we were concerned about. I felt like I had a piece of wisdom that didn’t come from me that I needed to share with her about a situation she was in and it really hit home for her. It turns out she is also a believer. 

She told me she needed to hear that and then she told me she thought that I needed to be the one to say it. I think she was right. I had forgotten that I cannot ever be truly lost. I can only misplace myself.

I’m probably still a little misplaced. I didn’t have some huge spiritual breakthrough but it was… nice to know that God hasn’t given up on me yet. I did need to know that tonight.