I am unsettled by the random thoughts that popped into my head today as a result of the extreme anxiety-turned-paranoia today.
I was driving to my undisclosed location for the night and I realized that I was constantly checking my rear-view for someone tailing me. Then, when vehicles changed, my thoughts involved how easy it would be for someone to be coordinating the change of vehicles. These are not rational. I don’t have enemies.
Then, as I was scanning my brain for who could possibly hate me enough to torment me, I thought about how I had been active on some anti-Scientology sites in recent times. Could they be harassing me??? Of course not. I haven’t done anything dramatic. I haven’t launched a website or made a name for myself. I’ve posted a few comments. Scientologists don’t break into houses. I’m not that special.
I am disturbed that my brain is taking me on these distorted vacations from reality though, even if I am able to retreat back to reality eventually.
Earlier my anxiety was so high that my pulse was in the 90’s and it felt like my heart was coming out of my chest. I just love when my fight-or-flight response kicks in and the adrenaline dump happens. Not a lot to do at that point but take some meds and ride out the wave and crash because it’s been released. You just have to wait that out. I’m back in the 70’s now and calmer, but that truly sucked.
While I do feel physically safe where I am, I am worried about sleep. I am totally still on edge. I’m less worried about losing my mind before tomorrow morning when I see my psych’s PA, but I am concerned about planning past that point. We’ll see. Not in love with a lot of things at the moment.
This is what bipolar disorder and anxiety look like. Maybe other things. I don’t know. It’s ugly and hard and I am not coping well at all.