There are days when the anxiety is so high that I feel like I am clinging to the ceiling like Spider-Man. Today is one of those days.
It was precipitated by some things that, despite my desire to be fully open here, I am just not going to divulge. One of those fun and dark things that even I don’t like to know about myself. Shit from 10+ years ago from before diagnosis when I was very sick. Still writing checks.
Anyway, when my anxiety gets like that, I can reach a place where I feel like I am about to explode. Like Mike TV from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (Gene Wilder version) when he is in the air in a million pieces. I feel like I am just going to burst into those pieces like a puff of glitter. Somehow like I am just going to lose myself in that and completely break from myself.
I start to panic and seek help with ramping it down because I recognize that I cannot do it alone. I tried to reach out to one of my providers but she was not the appropriate one for that, not given the time window, so I called the local crisis line. That was the right decision. Although I am not, and was not suicidal, the person I talked to was very kind and helped me to reframe things and just de-escalate my emotional state. I really needed that. Sometimes I cannot do that on my own and I know when I cannot.
Ugh. I now have a blinding headache though. I think sleeping until tomorrow might be my new plan. I can’t decide.
I just wanted to share this anxiety thing. It is something I struggle with.